Elementary Years

From the age of seven, until the age of twelve I considered myself to be a social outcast. I was paranoid and thought everyone was out to get me. I had no friends and didn't talk a lot. I hated school so much and I would come to class very depressed. Many conversations were shared with my parents and my teacher, because she thought there was something wrong with me. I wasn't the top student in my class. In fact, in most classes I did poorly in.



When I was in sixth grade everything changed. It may seem like a complicated story, but it's something I will definatley never forget...



What is a best friend? Today, most people define it as someone who understands you, someone who accepts you, and someone who believes in you. When you're young, a best friend is not very hard to find. It's someone who shares her crayons with you, someone who gives her snack to you at recess, and someone who's willing to play Barbie with you.



There was a known "couple" in my class. They were the best of friends and let EVERYONE know it. Tammy and Rachel - never separated and never apart. One day, I see Rachel crying with her head buried in her desk. I look around the room in search for Tammy, for she was the only one who could really calm her down. I turn my head in astonishment to see Tammy outside the classroom laughing and talking to another girl. I'm not exactly sure how the fight broke out, or whose fault it even was, but Tammy and Rachel were no longer friends.



I felt very bad for the both of them, but especially Rachel (I guess it was because she was the one crying). As i was soothing Rachel and idea popped into my head. Probably one of the worst ideas in my life. I decied to lend Rachel my "ultra-cool" gel pens. These pen were very stylish to have and I NEVER let anyone, but myself, use them. I handed them to Rachel with a shaking hand. She looked up and smiled at me weakly. These pens were a ticket to a new friendship.



I came home thrilled that day and I was eager to tell my mother about my new friend. She wasn't as happy as I thought she would be.

"Ellie, sweety," she said to me. "I don't think this friendship is such a good idea. I'm just afraid you're going to get hurt."

I didn't understand what she meant, but I was hurt that my own mother couldn't even trust my best friend. I ignored her warning and continues my friendship with Rachel. Even though I knew deep down that Rachel wasn't trustworthy, I still told her all my secrets. Later I found our that it was, again, not one of my best ideas. She blabbed everything I told her, and she got angry with me over the stupidest reasons, yet I still remained her loyal friend.



Things really began to heat up when our class found out that Rachel was in the hospital. Everyone thought it was no big deal, They thought may be she was dehydrated and had a fever so she needed some I.V. No, I knew the real reason: Rachel had overdosed. I don't think she actually had any intention to kill herself. I also knew she was on medication to control her moods. I just out two and two together: Rachel was having a really off day, she saw the pills, and ended up in the hospital.



From there, everything went downhill. Rachel started ignoring me out of school and I would hear her say mean comments behind my back about me. But, when I would confront her in school, she would act if nothing was wrong. She would just come up with some lame exuse for why she was annoyed with me. Like, she would say: "Oh, you're just to nosy and I can't stand nosy people!" Which was a very odd thing to say because I was anything BUT nosy - I was the quietist girl in school! Or she would say: "It just gets me so annoyed how you're not a good speller!" Okay, I admit, even today I'm not the world greatest speller, but is that someting to get angry at me about?!



And you know what? I had another dumb idea, it was even dumber than the gel pen idea: I checked my e-mail.



I know checking e-mail doesn't sound so bad, but trust me - it was. Rachel had sent me something. Ooh! Today Rachel wants to be friends with me! Boy was I wrong. As I read the letter tears streamed down my face. Rachel took every word of hate and put it down on paper. She wrote down down all my faults and any possible thing that she could find wrong with me. It was the nastiest letter I have ever seen. Even today, six years later, I'm not exactly sure if I can completely forgive. I realize now that she was the one who lost out, she broke a friendhip and lost a friend.



The real question is not if I forgive her, but can I forgive myself for letting myself fall into that trap - I knew that she wasn't a well person.



As I look back on the years I can finally and honestly say I can forgive, but I can never forget.