Turning The Page

As the year comes to an end I think about the past. I take a look at my class. My close friends. The girls who I never had anything to do with. Suddenly I feel like I have a connection to each and every one of them. I always told myself that once I graduate I would never look back. I would never miss anything that I went through. Can you tell I hate school?! Don't get me wrong, I like learning new things, and I'm not a slacker - I just hate high school. People beg to differ with me, claiming that one day I'll look back and say how much miss school. Me? Miss school? Ha! I have been counting the days until graduation since I was in Kindergarten!

I have my whole future planed, but why do I still feel so unsure of myself. I know what I want to do, and I know where I want to be, but why do I always second guess myself?

The moment you enter your senior year you are swamped with work. No, not school work. Personally, twelfth grade is a lot easier in comparison to the other years. So what kind of work am I swamped with? Seminary and college and applications and scholarships... OH HOW I HATE THOSE WORDS!

I am a pretty independent girl, and I'm not afraid of doing things myself. If so, why do I feel so alone through this whole process? I know girls going to the same seminary as me, and I hear really good things about that specific school, yet I have nightmares! I was never scared of new things, and accepted change pretty well. I was always that free-spirited girl in camp who was never home sick. I was known to gave a good shoulder to lean and cry on. If I'm so independent, then why am I so afraid to go to a school, of my choice, and in a great location? It's really strange. I didn't get nervous until now. I always dreamed of going to Seminary with my friends. I was always dying to go to Israel. So here's my chance. Ready... Set... NO! So what's holding me back?

Again, don't get me wrong, I'm still going to go. I think it's such an experience to go to Israel after high school, but then again, Seminary's not for everyone. I'm still excited for seminary, and I'm still excited for graduation. Ooh! Wish me luck people! I'm leaving September 2nd!

Okay, skip seminary for a moment, no one really likes to hear about sem. So... what happens when I come home? College. Too, hearing that word makes my heart thump. Oy, I dread about that great scholorship I missed out on.

From the time I was young, I always knew what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to pursue a career in special education. I was almost forced into this way of thinking by natural reflex. I am surrounded by children with special needs 24/7, and I always wanted to reach out for them. My siblings sort of ingrained in into me as well, due to the fact that many of them do work with children with special needs.

Out of the blue, one day my sister told me I should be a graphic artist. What? That idea never crossed my mind. When I asked her why she nodded her head towards the computer screen, in which I was playing around with Photoshop.
"That's why," she said.
Hmm, I never really thought about that. I had always experimented with computers, as a hobby, and I really enjoyed it, but I never thought about actually doing it as a job. Come to think about it, I would rather spend my years in college doing cool stuff on the computer than learning proper grammar.

Okay, so I got my future set. First, I'm going to Seminary. Second, I'm going to go to college and get a degree in graphic design. Third, um... then what? Get married? Is that how it works? (If my siblings are reading this - please don't freak out! I promise - I won't be a senior kallah!)

Despite my future planned I still feel really unsure about everything. Is this really what I'm supposed to be doing with my time? Is this really the life I am supposed to be living?
"Rabos Machsevos b'lev ish v'atzas Hashem he sakum"